Harbourside Multi-Band Drunken Bullshit Interview

This Interview was conducted with three bands who were playing at the Harbourside for an occasion I can hardly recall now . It is very insightful and reveals just how fucked up some people really are. The people that are featured in this interview are in order of appearance:-

• Pig - Me of Pig Meat
• Scot - Guitar and Vox of Steve (pic on left.)
• Chris - Guitar and Vox of Wooden Fische
• Gordon - Guitar and Vox of Steve
• Mel - Bass and Vox of Steve
• Dave - Bass player of Wooden Fische (pic lower in document)
• Tony - Bass player of Psychodrama
• Robin - Guitar and Vox of Psychodrama

Pig: We're here at the Harbourside with the Wooden Fische and Steve. Introduce yourselves, for all the people listening (or reading - Ed).

Scot: I'm - ah - I'm Scot from S-S-S-Steve.

Chris: Do I have to sound naturally or do I have to put on a real funky voice? I'm Chris from Wooden Fische.

Gordon: Hi, I'm Gordon, I'm from The Wooden Fisch... Yeah... I'm from Steve, I was just trying to give them a really bad name.

Pig: How long have the Wooden Fische being together?

Chris: No, let's talk to Steve, they're far more interesting.

Pig: OK. How long have Steve been together?

Gordon: Well... Steve has been together for about five years, but under the banner of Steve we have only been together for about three months, so...

Mel: Crap.

Pig: What's crap?

Mel: Whatever Gordon's talking about. It's beer talk isn't it?

Gordon: No, it's cider talk.

Scot: No, I think Gordon is really talking from the heart, he's talking from a certain perspective, which is only accessed through cider, which goes right down to the center of his whole ideology. He's talking total sense.

Gordon: What's this? It's just that I'm so fucked up on, like, everything that I'm such an interesting guy.

Chris: I'm not saying anything about this. This is a Steve thing.

Gordon: I'm just so on the edge man, that.. Like everything is so intense that the Wooden Fische are good.

Pig: Steve do a lot of head banging in unison, when will Wooden Fiche head bang in unison?

Chris: Um... We've got a really soft cock excuse for a drummer and I don't think she's into head banging. I think she's more into dining.

Gordon: Dining? I had a good meal the other day. I went over to my parent's house and they gave me garlic chicken, potatoes, and cauliflower with cheese sauce. It really tantalized my taste buds. It's such a difference from take-out-canned- frozen meals, that it was really nice. Before that we said the lord's prayer. We said, "Itch mich yarl mush snipts nyup nyip nyip nyp" (etc... - Ed) Satan came to the table and he put extra spices in the meat because he's such a hot guy. We ate it and we got so drug fucked that we just went, "Awww maaaan, Satan, he's the best guy," we started dancing naked around the breakfast bar.

Pig: Breakfast nook?

Gordon: At my parent's house they've got a breakfast nook near the family room. We started dancing around naked and chanting, "Ooga-Booga-Ooga-Booga Yeah-Yeah" from the sky there was this huge puff of smoke and all these pork chops and steak sausages came out of the ground. We ate them down and said, "All hail the mighty Satan". We had ice cream after for desert. Mel: If you were an author, you'd be a best seller. You would make millions. You've got so much shit to spin.

Gordon: I'm going to go for a piss. Ok?

- Tape is stopped for a minute -

Pig: Chris, I noticed you writing out a song list, how do you work out what order to play your songs in?

Chris: Well...

Gordon: I went to the toilet just then. This guy walked in and stood next to me at the urinals. I said, "All right mate, hows about a sword fight." He just went, "Hhmmmm," and just walked away, into one of the stalls. He was just too scared of me, he didn't want to sword fight me at all.

-Tape is once again stopped -

Chris: We're going to play a song called 'Steve' and one called 'Psychodrama' and one called 'Volcana.'

Gordon: I thought Psychodrama were pretty good tonight. I always thought they were fucked, but when I saw them tonight I thought they were good.

Pig: We've got another Wooden Fische, Dave - 'The Drug Lord.' Do you like being called 'The Drug Lord?'

Dave: That's the first I've heard of it.

Pig: Well it's been hitting the streets man.

Dave: It doesn't faze me.

Pig: What's your favorite part of being in the Wooden Fische?

Dave: The drugs, yeah.

Pig: Do you write a lot of the songs?

Dave: No, they won't let me. Because I'm always passing out in practice so they write the songs and I come back later.

Pig: Why don't you make a stand and write a few songs in your un-drugged mode. What do you do in your un-drugged mode?

Dave: I go bowling.

Pig: What sort of pen do you use to write your song lists?

Chris: I don't know what happened to this pen. It used to work really well. I don't normally use purple ones. We often buy big thick texters. We always lose them. Some one turned up with this last night and said use this, because we only had a pen. This texter was much better, but now it doesn't work. So what's the fucking point?

Gordon: We didn't even write a set list. We're on the edge. We are so in-tune with each others' mind that we are so on the edge and so fuckin' rockin' and have such excellent... things.

Chris: They have a collective consciousness.

Gordon: We didn't have a song list because we thought it was too main stream and wanted to be on the edge and so cutting, that we didn't have one...

Pig: You don't really need a song list because every gig you play is in the same order.

Gordon: Yes, and every song we play is the same as the last one. It's just got different words. Our set is like one huge song. It's a huge universal vibe that all the third world children that are starving to death would cut off their left legs to come and see. They would rather see Steve than actually get food to get them through the year. They would rather see Steve for half an hour than to actually live for a year.

Pig: Better than Black Sabbath?

Gordon: Better than Black Sabbath? Ozi Ozborne has a really bad hair cut, during the 'Paranoid' video. It was really short before and then it was all different lengths. He just doesn't know the true process of having a stylish haircut like me.

Pig: For anyone who want's to know how to get a stylish haircut, what would you tell them?

Gordon: Grow really long hair, put it in dreads and then cut it off by yourself. Dye it blue, so it turns out moldy green... and we've got big dicks.

Scot: I can vouch for that.

Gordon: We have inflatable pigs... Yay. Sheep that we lubricate. We have a blow up Tom Baker that we all take turns with.

Pig: Is Steve small on the outside, but big on the inside? Like the Tard-Arse.

Gordon: No, we're huge on the outside and huger on the inside.

Scot: We're not too big, not too small. We're Just Right.

Gordon: We don't melt in your mouth. M & M's melt in your hands. Whatever happened to DMC's?

Pig: What sort of clothing do you prefer to wear on stage?

Scot: One's that cover up our genitals.

Gordon: I actually saw my willy when I went to the toilet. I had to hold it. Man, I got such a huge stiffy that I thought, "That's the guy from Steve's willy." Then I thought, "Oh, that's me." Then I thought, "Psychodrama, Volcana, Humbug." I got the biggest hard-on and pissed up to the glass bit... We're going for a goon run. Let's go.

- tape stops to go on the goon run -

Pig: Being a bass player do you suffer from instrument jealousy?

Tony: I think there is a bit of instrument jealousy. It's also because guitarists seem to be able to move around a bit more. If you look at bass players (except for Flea) they don't really bounce. You've got this long thing.

Pig: You can do a lot with a long thing.

Tony: You've got this masturbation trick really, which I learnt from bands like Motley Crew, when I was deep.

Pig: Do you think Bass players have bigger penises?

Tony: It depends on the way you look at it. If you look at it as you need a bigger instrument to make up for the fact you have a small penis, then maybe it's the other way around.

Pig: Who took the photo which appears in X-Press? (Ed - Local entertainment weekly.)

Tony: When we were originally meant to do the Butterfly tour we did a couple of photos for it, because there was going to be lots of promotion for it. It was taken at TAFE. We did a photo shoot for about an hour. It felt really strange; posing, it feels very funny. We ended up posing and it didn't feel natural.

Pig: It doesn't look natural, yet you still sent it to X-Press.

Tony: We didn't have any other good quality photos and if you look at the quality of the photos in X-Press, you will see that it was slightly less wanky than any of the others. If you read the press release underneath, you will notice a lot of tongue in cheek.

Pig: You were referred to as playing dark-pop, do you like that reference?

Tony: It's better than us being called Gothics. We're sort of melancholy-rock.

Robin (yelling from across the pub): Cock-rock.

The interview continues but quickly falls into disarray.