Panelbeater

Panelbeater from top to bottom - Luke Marinavich, Jamie Hamilton, and Conor Cairns.

This is an interview I conducted with the wild and wacky cats from Panelbeater just after I had finished a failed attempt to record them at Big Bangs rehearsal studios on my four track. The fact that they couldn't give me a single straight answer just proves how legendary this band really is. Panelbeater are: Jamie (stix) Hamilton, Conor (immortal) Cairns, and Luke (Dexter) Marinavich. The band have in recent months supported Spider Bait and played the most successful of the RTR Drivetime gigs.

Pig: The only Panel Beater interview I've ever read appeared in a small zine called 'Roll 'Em,' which I suspect is by a person very close to Luke. It wasn't really a Panelbeater interview at all. It was more like a Luke Marinavich interview. Mostly about Devo. What do you have to say about it?

Luke: I say you'r full of shit, Nick.

Jamie: I didn't know your mother did a fanzine, Luke.

Luke: She does. It's called 'Change your underwear every day.'

Pig: What has been the band's history so far? How long has it been? Three weeks?

Conor: We met while we were in jail.

Jamie: We're all hard men.

Pig: I don't want to hear about that, Jamie.

Luke: We met while on a school outing to an abattoir. Jamie accidentally fell into a meat cutting machine. Conor and I dragged him out and saved his life. In repayment he has to play in our band.

Jamie: I ended up with a person's leg that was much shorter than mine. That's why I look the way I do.

Pig: Do you believe in UFOs?

Jamie: Only because you do.

Pig: I don't. I only believe in their possibility.

Luke: Haven't you been abducted by a UFO, Nick?

Pig: That's another story. I believe you have a song called 'Karma Suture.' Do any of you know the positions or practice them?

Jamie: No, we're all virgins, particularly me.

Pig: How long before Rolling Stone comes knocking on your door?

Jamie: Not long after Pig Meat, surely.

Luke: Pig Meat is a stepping stone to success.

Jamie: Perth's answer to Rolling Stone.

Conor: I think we can handle fame because we've had fame before. We were on Opportunity Knocks. I played a version of Stairway to Heaven with my Dad. He was on trombone. Guess it was pretty naff really.

Pig: Do you suffer from deja vu?

Luke: Do you suffer from deja vu?

Pig: Do you suffer from deja vu?

Luke: Do you suffer from deja vu?

Pig: Do you...? Hey, I think I've been here before.

Conor: It's funny you should say that. I was just about to say the same thing.

Pig: Panelbeater have two members of that other enigma of Perth, Steve. What is happening to Steve while you are in Panelbeater.

Luke: Fuck that! This isn't a Steve interview thanks very much.

Jamie: He wants all the attention. It's always me, me, me.

Pig: Well we're not talking about fucking Devo!

Luke: We fuckin' should. Steve compared to Devo? No... No comparison.

Pig: What's the difference between Steve and Panelbeater?

Conor: The only similarities we've got with Steve are that Jamie and I are the rhythm section in both Steve and Panelbeater. We use low tunings and we're really good.

Jamie: Steve haven't really recorded since my car got cleaned up at a party on Newcastle street. I haven't been able to fuck properly since.

Pig: When I poke this microphone at you and ask questions, doesn't it feel like your on Donahue?

Conor: No, but I'd just like to tell you it's all right to be me.

Jamie: I think it's all right to be you, too.

Everyone: Yeah! Whoo! (lots of clapping and hugging).

Pig: What's this? A Beater bonding session?

Luke: Bend over Jamie, so I can slap your arse.

Jamie: Lets get naked and howl at the moon.

Pig: Hang on, we have a caller on the line. Yes caller?

Caller: Have any of the members of Panelbeater had any brushes with fame?

Jamie: Thank you caller. I went to school with Yummy Fur (now called Six Miles High - Ed.)

Pig: Which ones?

Jamie: Anton, Gerome, (the Anton/Gerome monster -Ed) Julian and Andres all went to my school (Warwick High -Ed.) I went to their school is more apt.

Luke: There's a sign on the door of the rehearsal studio that says 'Bummy Fur.' That's all I have to say.

Pig: Which is your favorite character in Yummy Fur?

Jamie: Dave Johnston.

Luke: Snaggel Puss.

Conor: The guy with the dreads.

- At this point the interview breaks down into a burping contest that's not really worth transcribing, but I'm happy to reveal that Conor was the outright winner.-

Pig: Are you in Rock'n'Roll for the chicks?

Jamie: Chicks?

Luke: Not so far. That's for sure.

Pig: You've got to work your way up the ladder. At the moment you're at the lowest rung. At the top is Babe city.

Jamie: Ever since the accident I haven't been able to fuck properly.

Pig: What's your favorite song?

Luke: 'Making the bug go faster' by The Tards.

Conor: It's in the lyrics, just listen to the lyrics.

Jamie: Anything with the term Rock'n'Roll in it.

Luke: Rock'n'Roll ain't noise pollution, Rock'n'Roll damnation, Rock'n'Roll outlaw.

Jamie: Hail Hail Rock'n'Roll, Rock'n'Roll music.

Pig: Are your day jobs just to get you by until you make it big?

Jamie: This band is just to get me by until I make it big selling T-shirts.

Luke: Is this the point where I'm supposed to give a witty response?

Conor: Jamie said it. We're just going to release a record to become famous and just survive on our T-shirt sales.

Pig: I'd like to hear about the time you met Black Sabbath, Luke.

Luke: I was at the deli buying milk. Ozzi came in to buy 10 Red Skins and I said "Hi Ozzi." He said "Hi. Do you want to see Black Sabbath?" I said "Yeah, OK." He pulled down his pants and led me into this dark cave at the back of the deli where Black Sabbath played 'Iron Man' backwards.

Jamie: Tony Iomi get the gimp.

Conor: It's in the lyrics.

Pig: If you were out camping and came across two babies which you wanted to put three nuns on top of, how would you do it? Your time starts now.

Conor: I'd kill the babies so that they would go stiff from rigor mortis. Then I would hammer them into the ground like tent pegs. You'd have to kill one of the nuns so she would go stiff and lie her across the top of the two babies and then get the other two nuns to stand on the ends. It would be sort of like a H formation. I think that would work really well.

Luke: You could play rugby and kick goals between them.

Jamie: With the baby heads.

Pig: Have you had any spiritual experiences?

Conor: We have a spiritual experience every time we play.

Jamie: I've had spiritual experiences but I'm not going to tell you about them.

Luke: Your very intimidating with that microphone.

Jamie: Yeah. What are you like without the microphone?

Pig: It makes me feel like a big man.

Jamie: It's a very little microphone, Nick.

Pig: It's not the size that counts, it's the way you use it. Do Panelbeater wish to take responsibility for the recent gassing in Japan? (This question show you just how old this interview really is -Ed.)

Luke: Jamie did that. He ate a really big vegi curry and then boarded the trains to let one rip.

Jamie: No comment.

Conor: It's in the lyrics man.

Pig: What's you'r song 'Snowplow' about?

Luke: It's about a snowplow that kills a kid's parents and he's happy because they were bastards.

Jamie: There is no pedaphillic elements in any of our songs.

Luke: Except for the songs Jamie writes.

Pig: Who writes the songs?

Conor: Usually it's Luke, Jamie and I. We work so well together as a team.

Luke: We write songs about how Rupture are too negative.

Conor: We write sensitive songs about bludgeoning people to death. We try to look at it from their point of view.

Pig: Have you heard the rumors that Rupture have become a sensitive new age band who play crystal music?

Luke: Yeah. I heard that there was a recent run on joss sticks in Perth caused by Rupture buying them for their gigs. They're all long haired hippies.

Pig: Do you think the lyric writing process is tedious?

Luke: We make up lyrics as we go along. Except for 'Ace of Spades' in which I mumble, and sing "Ace of Spades" occasionally.

Conor: Personally I agonise over my lyrics for ages. I write poetry in my room late at night when I'm lonely.

Luke: The stuff you used to send into Steregoround? (An old public radio show in which angst wridden teens write letters and poetry for each other - Ed.)

Conor: Yeah. Then I correct them, rewrite them, then throw them out only to make it up on the spot.

Pig: So your an angst ridden poet who hangs out in coffee bars?

Conor: Damn right! I've suffered for my art.

Pig: Who is your favorite Jamie, Jamie?

Jamie: Jamie Cossmann. (Local radio and underground hero - Ed.)

Pig: Who is your favorite Luke, Luke?

Luke: Luke Skywalker.

Pig: Who is your favorite Conor, Conor?

Conor: Me. I was born 500 years ago in the town of Glen Finen. I am immortal, I cannot be killed... easily. Only by removing my head with an ancient sword.

Pig: How would you describe Panelbeater?

Jamie: A cross between Black Flag and Black Sabbath being molested by The Knack and The Bay City Rollers (Nirvana Quote - Ed.)

Pig: What are your influences?

Conor: I'd say our influences are Black Sabbath and Black Flag being molested by The Knack and The Bay City Rollers. Apart from that we sound like the Melvins.

Jamie: My biggest influence would have to be the drummer from Wildflower.

Luke: There's a thread running between the band. Jamie's drum teacher was in Wildflower and my guitar teacher was in Wildflower.

Jamie: Conor sort of looks like the bass player from Wildflower. We're kind of like the sons of Wildflower.

Luke: We would like to think that we were spawned from that great musical tradition that is Wildflower.

Pig: What were you going to call yourselves if you hadn't settled on Panelbeater.

Luke: Jamie came up with the name Ham Sandwich.

Pig: That's almost brilliant.

Jamie: Yeah. Well it's better than Eggbeater. It was either that or Robo Chubbi.

Pig: You used to play in Wash, is that true?

Jamie: I'd prefer not to talk about my past.

Pig: You also played in Benji.

Jamie: Indi Pop's OK by me, man!

Pig: Did you pick up any indi chicks while in Wash?

Jamie: No, but we got a few guys.

Pig: If David Gerard (Editor of Party Fears zine -Ed) were here right now, what would you say to him?

Luke: Small furry domestic pets.

Conor: Learn how to dance, learn how to write and fuck off.

Jamie: Don't come back to Perth, we don't need you.

Luke: I saw David Gerard the second day I was in Melbourne. It was in Missing Link records, he was looking in the second hand CD section. He picked up a Super Conductor CD and put it down again. I thought that was symptomatic of his poor musical taste.

Pig: Do you put satanic messages in your songs?

Luke: Yeah. When you play our songs backwards they say "Clean up your room, be good to your parents and change your underwear."

Pig: It's rumored that they say, and I quote; "Nyup, snyip lip." (and other sounds of backmasking.)

Luke: That a vicious rumor started by William Bow.

Pig: Is it true that drummers just hang around with the band?

Jamie: It's more the other way around with this band.

Luke: We are living vicariously from Jamie's glory. We are going to have the drum kit at the front of the stage and we're going to hide behind speakers.

Pig: Any final comments?

Conor: It's in the lyrics, just listen to the lyrics.